It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
