i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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