after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
