My friends, they love my intelligence
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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