They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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