Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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