apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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