Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
