this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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