I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
