And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
