Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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