dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
