i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Are we still banned from the library?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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