I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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