when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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