beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
