I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
