vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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