its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
