Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
