youre lurking in front of me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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