babies were throwing up all over the place
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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