I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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