Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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