Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
