I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
