Don't make out with my wife yet
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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