i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
