And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
