6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
