The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
