my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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