one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
