do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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