Nicole vs. Life
the condom got lost in my hair
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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