Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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