i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My feet surprised me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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