So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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