Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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