I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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