You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize