you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
