i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
