Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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