i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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