There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize