Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
