i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
