i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
