I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
