Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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