if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
