never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
