Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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