Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
