I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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