The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize