I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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