dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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