You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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