I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
